Linus was in my dreams last night.

He hadn’t appeared to me yet but I kept waiting, asking. In the dream, my parents and I are in my old condo – they’re rummaging through the other rooms, not sure what they were doing.

Linus and I are in the dining room, he’s on the table runner on the wooden Ikea table head butting my arms, licking my hand, pawing at me to come back if I step too far away. I’m petting him and give him the best chin rubs, the ones where you smush his jaw up to his ear. He’s drooling. His eyes are closed and it looks like he’s smiling, in heaven. I sneak in a belly rub, flub flub. I don’t scoop him up to hold him for some reason but give him big hugs at the table. I’m engulfing him completely and squeezing him, lots of kisses on his head. He’s not running away.

At some points my parents are watching us but they’re not sure what I’m doing, nothing is there. There’s no one there, what am I doing? I think maybe they’re saying things? But I can’t hear them, I don’t understand.

Because I’m holding Linus, he’s in the crooks of my elbows, can’t they see him? I can feel him purring. I can feel his warmth and soft fur. His big eyes look up at me as he headbutts my chin. He’s going back and forth along the shorter side of the table soaking up all the love.

How can they not see him? He’s here and I don’t think he’s mad at me. I think he was happy to see me and be with me.

Why would he be mad at me? Because I killed him. (I didn’t, he was suffering and in pain.)

I burned his body and turned him to ashes.

Maybe he wasn’t ready and didn’t know what was happening. I couldn’t tell him why I made that decision. He didn’t understand. (He was ready, I wasn’t ready.)

I took everything he loved away from him. (I gave him peace.)

I only want to be with him and where he is. (I owe it to him and myself and Lucy to keep living. I’ll be with him again someday.)

I failed him as a cat mom, I could have done more, I didn’t keep him alive. (I did the best I could, I tried.)

Maybe he does know how much I loved him and how much I miss him and I did what I thought was the best.

(Pictured: Linus on the table, pawing at me for attention)