I miss Linus so much. I’m so sad. I cry every day, usually log off of work and just go to bed and cry. I haven’t laid on the couch since July and with the exception of sitting on the edge of the couch the night before my surgery, that entire side of the couch has been untouched. My space has gotten so small. I try to do things that I normally enjoy (yoga, read, thrift, hike) hoping that I can fake it until I make it and just keep going through this, keep some momentum but everything is mostly a distraction. That is when I’m not zoned out, eating and scrolling through sites or rewatching shows. At my part time job I put on an act and be nice, then immediately check out when I leave. I’ll do something one or two times and lose motivation, I don’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. I don’t want to do anything. I have nothing to look forward to. I have no reason to live. I don’t want to be here.

I’m sure surgery didn’t help at all. And then I’m riddled w guilt bc as I type this Lucy is pawing at me for pets. I love her so much too, it’s just different. And ashamed bc of the state of the world and I’m crying about my cat, debilitated by his passing when I have so much privilege and access and can be doing good things. Instead I’m wasting away in hurt.