“If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.”― Emily Jane Brontë , Wuthering Heights

A friend got me this beautiful painting of Linus. I put it next to the bed bc Linus and I had a very solid bedtime ritual, that’s when I miss him the most. The artist Dilly Dally Studios really nailed his little chin and big eyes.

Two months.

It’s been two months since he left me.

I’ve been paralyzed by depression, in the throes of panic attacks, and suicidal but nothing could have prepared me for the immense sadness and hopelessness that’s come with his loss.

It feels like walking through life with a filter on, everything muted and in the wrong color. There’s a dimness to each day, interrupted by brief moments of something that doesn’t feel like grief, and then am quickly consumed again. I’m no longer comatose like the first week he left but still cry everyday and most days I can’t even say his name. I guess I thought that it wouldn’t feel so bad two months later but the house seems to be getting bigger and bigger.

“Absence is a house so vast that inside you will pass through its walls and hang pictures on the air.”

― Pablo Neruda