Linus was in my dreams last night. 

I’m a vivid dreamer, in general, and often remember my dreams or, at the very least, how they felt once I wake up. Last night, in my dream, I was in my bedroom at my parent’s old house but it was still decorated and painted from when I lived there; it was splattered bright Smurf blue, the bed was in the corner, a desk in front of the window, and the closet hung clothes and hid a tv. 

There was an elephant in the room with us. Not a miniature elephant but a life-sized elephant that somehow also fit under the bed? And the elephant would go from under the bed to under the covers to standing on top of the comforter on the bed. And then back under the bed. I wasn’t scared or surprised by the elephant, only amused by its presence. 

And Linus was there. Sometimes he was under the bed next to the elephant (who stood this whole time, never flopping to its side or resting). Sometimes Linus was at the window, taking in the sunshine and watching traffic. Sometimes he was hiding in this blanket/pillow fort I’d made him. I kept watching the elephant to make sure they knew that he was there and wouldn’t step on him. Wherever Linus was, I sat across from him, watching him in adoration and smiling at his handsome face. I remember petting him and laughing at his goofiness and the general absurdity of it all.  He moved from window to under the bed to on top of the bed; this went on for a while. 

I was somewhat conscious in a way that, as it happened, I knew this dream was ludicrous because why would there be an elephant in my room? And why would the elephant be not only real but also its actual size and at the same time fit under the bed? When did I not have things shoved under the bed? Where was everyone else? Linus wouldn’t even be born for another 8yrs after I moved out of that bedroom. 

And still, I wanted to stay in that dream. I didn’t feel scared or anxious. I remember feeling cheerful, captivated, tickled. I wanted to stay and did for as long as I could. I fiercely fought the urge to come out of the dream.

Eventually, I had to go to the bathroom and when I woke up I felt Lucy next to me. I turned on her heated blanket, gave her a pat on the head and said, “We saw your brother tonight.”   

In my dream, Linus seemed relaxed and playful. I remember feeling calm while watching him; that he was at ease, that he wasn’t suffering, that he didn’t mind I was there because I struggle with this idea that he’s angry with me for what I did. He didn’t seem upset though and I was relieved.  I went back to sleep and wished he’d reappear but I don’t recall the rest of my dreams. It’s okay though because I remember that one.

And it got me thinking of Roy Orbison’s, “In Dreams”

_{^{A candy-colored clown they call the sandman
Tiptoes to my room every night
Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper
Go to sleep, everything is alright
I close my eyes then I drift away
Into the magic night, I softly say
A silent prayer like dreamers do
Then I fall asleep to dream my dreams of you
In dreams I walk with you
In dreams I talk to you
In dreams you’re mine all of the time
We’re together in dreams, in dreams
But just before the dawn
I awake and find you gone
I can’t help it
I can’t help it
If I cry
I remember that you said goodbye
It’s too bad that all these things
Can only happen in my dreams
Only in dreams
In beautiful dreams}}

Roy Orbison