It’s been one month. Every day that’s gone by has felt like a lifetime and then suddenly it’s one month. There have been plenty of moments I haven’t even wanted to be alive. Still not able to look back w love and joy, only grief and mourning but I know it won’t be that way…

A part of me died when he did.

I wonder if I killed him by moving to the mountains last year. He was so healthy in NJ and as soon as we got here he dealt with allergies, hot spots, ear infection. Then this year it was just one thing after another: kidney infection, mysterious mass, kidney disease, more allergies, heart disease, floating…

Sometimes I can’t even catch my breath, it’s unbearable. Lucy’s doing her best, always by my side.

Currently every seat on the struggle bus is occupied… by me bc oh the struggle has been real the last few days. I think maybe I thought that (say that 5x fast) that I survived the week following the heartbreak and went back to work (at both jobs) so I was doing okay. I’m not…